The Martyr Flub Sheet, by Enrich'd White

RLS

Restlessness
Smell the honeysuckle
The Jasmine and orange blossom
Legs full of static
Tired dusty light sunset sleeping through
The window plane and rattle
Mosquitoes squeeze into holes of decade's walls
Bright paint reflects and chips
Malaise craped skin
Overgrowth of dandilion greens.
Water based eyes
See ending​ the time of night's fabric.

Cerberus Shoal - Scaly Beast vs. Toy Piano

LA River animals_PSD project Winter 2013

California is adding a girl named

April to Berlin this Summer.

Sarah of Summer 2007. Also Summer of the Holga Lomo Medium Format.

Oaxaca City - Lila Downs @ Plaza de la Danza - Monte Albán

I don't seem to translate well enough,
in pictures or in words.
But if I could speak in colors, then
maybe you might be able to understand me.

Yellow is the one I am most fluent in.
There must be someone else in this place
who speaks Yellow.

Florida?

A storm and giant waves were forming just after our band of kin
moved house to the exposed peninsula.
It was a good house, old and strong with thick bones.
The windows had even been replaced with new double paned glass.
Out of which I began to watch the sea rise.

Two of my parents were out running errands with my brother, using my car.
I was at home with my father, my other parent.
And as the water began to move up and over the land, we climbed to the third floor.
He was unconcerned with the danger and wanted to stay put.

I closed my window against the surge, but the water poured in through the sill.
At this time, I began to collect our essentials while waiting for the tide to draw out
again. I grabbed shoes and my passport, as my father and I made our
way downstairs. He asked me about saving my sketchbooks, and I said that I
could always make new ones.
Our lives were in danger... this house is just full of things!


The water backed away, and I hurriedly pushed my dad up the street.
For a "flat" peninsula, Miami's streets where much like San Francisco's.
People on the sidelines told us that we weren't going to make it, but I kept going. They were doomed, and they accepted it.

A car pulled up next to us. It was my other parents and brother cheerfully
waving their hands to get into my car. We got in as I could see that the waves were making their way
over and up everything behind us.

FEMA?
Seated in a government office of some sort they asked where we would like to be relocated.
I wanted to go back to California, but they said no. They offered an island off the coast with a small
native population, to which my family took. I asked the officials to send me to Brooklyn, and
they agreed.
At this time I noticed that my father was gone.
I asked my other parents where he was. Everyone shifted around uncomfortably
while looking at each other. He went back to the house, they said.
And the house was gone.

He sits up and sleeps.

There is less and less of you every year. And your mind?
Argumentative and irrational. Drinking coffee all day to
counteract the painkillers, chain-smoking and talking to the dog.
The dog's attention is more unconditional,
and it's a shame. Humans be damned.
We all try to hide when hurt. I guess it runs in the family.

I tried to pull the curtains on an experiment in my dream
last night. You were there and you told me not to turn the
fire place on. Also, we were Klingon. Can you believe it?

dream 030410

On my way to work, I made an erratic U-turn over a landscaped island on a crowded boulevard.
I ripped into the hospital parking lot, and entered the lobby pouring the contents of my lunch box onto a table
with a small porcelain sink built into it. While washing my broccoli in the sink, an Asian lady from behind the front desk
noticed me, and warmly exclaimed that I will now have special hospital clearance to come here, and go wherever I want
in the building. I was happy about this, though I felt this special clearance was not deserved.

Two portly people, a man and a woman, came out of a door attached to the lobby and told me to go with them.
I blacked out, and woke up in a huge hospital bed sandwiched between the two. The door was open, and the nurse at the desk was winking and smiling at me. I shot her a look of confusion. When I got out of the situation I looked back at the two people, disgusted at having been skin to skin with such ugly folk, though it was not my choice.

A few of my friends worked for some news station and told me to come along on a helicopter ride to report on a crime in Utah.
The chopper was all glass and you could see everything from up there. We got a report of a pick-up truck in a Redondo Beach neighborhood with some stolen goods in the back of it. We hovered close to the bed of the truck and saw the contents. There were huge golden coins and plates, old parchment, and ancient stone tablets. I felt immediately that the people at the hospital had something to do with this.

fall asleep on my couch.

there is no where else to go.

A 40 oz and some candy.

They took over your vehicle again, messing up your schedule...
And for what? They ended up at the bar. So you called me on the phone scathing
and growling like an werewolf. You were going to steal a bunch of candy from the store
because you didn't know what else to do.
I said, "Well, that's innocuous enough, just don't get arrested."

Driving down Rubidoux Blvd, I turned into a seedy strip mall at dusk. I had a meeting
with some emotionally fucked up people. There were going to be snacks and beer.
Considering the level of alcoholism in the room, I decided to drink some malt liquor in the parking lot,
rather than up the bad influence inside.

The ring leader of this group was outfitted in army fatigues, and was said to be
an army psychologist. Whatever he was saying was being drowned out by the crowd passing around
giant bags of Chex Mix, and candy. There was a six pack of beer on each table, and I asked the girl sitting next
to me, why there wasn't more beer. She said the "Born-Agains" don't drink to get drunk.
I took that as my que to leave. On my way to the restroom I saw someone being baptized in a dirty
sink. After a narrow escape from a dangerous man in the bathroom, I left the building,
warning the girls not to go into the restroom, on my way out.

under the influence

Undercover in the dark
I type out a romantic note
into space where there are no answers.
Later on down the week...
Comfortably sweating against a prickly pair,
I debate my heart's impulse to
break the dam, because hesitation
is not attractive, or passionate,
nor a place I want to be.
Why then?
Because,
"how many red flags does it take to start a fire?"

sometimes bad dreams

Your cousin called me after you had been missing from my life for a week.
A cryptic note during that time revealed your inability to handle even a low-maintenance
situation.
18 bands had your imaginary attention, while mine was on your wife singing to me in
the front yard of a home that I would never be a part of.
And a few strange moments later, I had blisters everywhere you had ever touched me.
My face was almost unrecognizable.

So now what? We wait.

Shipwrecks and Crowded Beds.

The wind started to push the ship that several hundred passengers, including me, were aboard for reasons and destination unknown.

A documentary about the first lady was on the TV, and I was getting really annoyed that the reception kept faltering, and the wind kept blowing cold rain in through the window. It became clear then that the ship was in trouble, and that I should be afraid.

We crashed on some rocks, and all survivors were ferried to the shore. We were then marched North, along an accident strewn 405 freeway, containing many liquids and horrific scenes of death and dying.

All passengers were herded into the apartment building where I live in downtown Long Beach, and the tenants (including me) were told to make room. There were several people in my bed and I could not find a place to lie down so I wondered into some sort of mini theater with red velvety seats. I sat down, and my best friend Kelly sat on my lap because all the seats were taken. I looked at my broken wrist watch, and asked the people behind us what time/day/year is it? They told me the date, and I discovered that we had traveled forward three years in time somehow. Kelly started crying, and I was telling her not to worry.

The next day I took my film in to be processed, because it contained all kinds of pictures from the ship. There was a tall, slanted escalator that I had to climb, using my film as a rope to get to the processing window. When I finally got to the top, nearly passing out from vertigo, a kind black man with gray hair helped me through. He took my film and gave me a blue t-shirt with my high school logo on it.
The end.

-Dream 10-20-09

not a unique situation with you

A delicious ice cream sundae offered up
to a full stomach...
It is yours for the taking.
A sweet passive object of
pure desire,
without a mouth to form the word "No", and
without the legs to walk away.
It is your discussion to pick it up
It is not an individual
It requires no respect
It is not a woman
It is not me.

new and more more more.

I am wondering if all of this added technology is worthwhile. These additions complicate and distract, leaving so very little time for other essential cultivations. These new toys are oh so very tempting though.

medical injustice, and breaking glass.

I entered a tall metallic corporate building for a doctor's appointment. In the lobby there was a mad dash for the elevator, and I was smashed up against the button panel i was facing by a big sweaty man with no shirt. The air was thick with heat and sickness, as everyone was on their was to the doctor's office on some floor above. I felt like I was going to vomit.

The elevator doors opened and the throng of sickness, (myself included) poured out, and rushed into a big blue and gray carpeted waiting area, where a doctor stepped onto a stage and told us all that we would be split into groups and that some of us were to come back at 6:15 that night. April and I sat in some office chairs as two medical assistants came up to us individually to see about our conditions. I lifted up my pant legs to reveal large soft bruises on my skin like rotting peaches. He gave me two packets of pills, one white and one green, and told me how much they cost. I said that I could only pay half, so he gave me the pills and said to just "take" them.

I could see the other medical assistant messing with April's leg out of the corner of my eye. When the two MAs had gone and it was time to go, I looked at April and they had amputated one of her legs below the knee. They put a plastic peg in it's place and saran wrapped it to her thigh. I start yelling "Why did they take your leg off?!".

In order to leave the building, we (April & I) had to walk through a narrow space that contained antique footrests and glass cabinets with porcelain figurines. We could not break anything, so we hobbled and helped each other slowly through, handicapped by our wounds. I cannot now, remember if we broke anything :/

...then we will be there

There was something I was holding in my head last night,
occurring in between jam-packed variables.
You and I were negotiating reactions, from two different countries,
speaking different languages. Our faces were blown-up on
digital video monitors for face/eye contact to the max.
The color and quality was one step beyond "Super 8", but vivid nonetheless.
Sometimes exchanges were honestly sad, and
sometimes there was a real breakthrough in communication
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

and then I woke up, and the waking up part was such a cop-out,

because you know what happens...

...

cutting back. what it means.

I met a nurse today that talked about slow cancer
coming from the skin inward and toward the lungs.
strangers seated restlessly in bars tell me these things outside of 911,
dancing with their hands to Diana Ross, and pretending to be your friend forever.
disease permeates, and you always said that the drinking would take you down.
It's just bad luck, our last name curse.
Well... stubborn men and all the painkillers in the world couldn't win last summer...
but try again in four seasons, and we'll see what happens.

Advised en espanol in the parking lot
of a strip mall,
about leaving and driving across town
four thousand miles away, she said
it would be a good thing,
to leave you and you, & my next of kin.

No time to be sedentary, couldn't spend it all between
miscellaneous acquaintances, and the television.
sad that I couldn't
see you in 15 years, hogging the lava...
but remember? I remember.
I'd have liked so much to sleep like I did
before math class for hours with the radio on,
in a warm, temporary shallow bed.
In the dark.

liver disease and technology

I had to appease the doctor by putting up with her lallygagging through shopping malls and restaurants. She was the doctor who was going to perform the biopsy on my diseased liver.
We walked through downtown Sacramento all night, when the streets were vacant and everywhere was closed. Not such a good thing for someone who could become very ill at any moment. I passed the time blanking out on her incessant talking, thinking about how much I have become addicted to the new culture of constant communication through technology. Having such vast resources at my disposal has made me a more impatient person... I need to make time for silence.
Passing by a restaurant window, she looked in and saw a bunch of her doctor friends at a table. It was morning now, and I was starving. However I was not allowed to eat anything for medical reasons. I sat in the booth with these people, listening to their bullshit, unable to order food and a drink. Finally I stood up and told them that they were all assholes, smoking cigarettes, drinking and eating pastrami, while encouraging others not to. Then I left, and woke up.

another underwater >>>>>>>

my father's mother @ "The Salty Dog"

I found this pick in my Dad's garage. Her and another woman owned this bar far awhile in San Diego.

i guess i jumped in on my own.

Dream 03/17/09

I was patrolling the coast of Long Beach, with some officers on a big military boat,
when we saw something floating over by the seawall. The wing of a medium-sized Boeing plane had been somehow ripped off the body and floated over, without the rest of the wreckage. We brought the wing onboard, but were worried it may have a bomb, or recording device inside it. It was a spy plane from the Persian gulf, that somehow escaped the radar of the military.

The next day, I brought the wing into work with me. My job was to take it apart and look for information, like secret cameras, microphones, documents, et cetera. The wing had keyboards, and screens with remotes inside of it. I unattached what looked like a game console from the interior of the wing, and turned it on. It was a war game. I played for five minutes and then gave it to my co-worker, and told him to look for secrets. I continued to explore the wing when, all of a sudden it turned on, because my co-worker had been messing with the dials on the control panel. The flaps on the edges opened and started to blow air, it sounded like a giant vacuum.

Later on, I turned the corner onto 4th Street, and walked through the front door of a green house, and into the backyard where there were tables and chairs set up. Anyone could come in and watch a movie projected on a screen, and be served snacks and juice by the two ladies who lived at this house. I sat there for a while hanging out with some people I knew, and then walked across the street to get cigarettes. While I was gone, someone had come into the yard and started murdering people. There were body parts everywhere, and one of the ladies who lived there was crying. I decided to clean her kitchen to cheer her up... it was a friggin mess.

After cleaning the kitchen I walked over to Stater Bros, but it was a 99 cent store. I went up to the counter to pay for a small bendable "Creature for the Black Lagoon" toy, and the other woman who lived at the house was working the register. She asked me to open my bag. There was a bunch of stuff from the store inside, and I told her that I don't know how it got there. I paid for all of it, and the lady gave me a plastic cup of juice. The end.

Dream 01/26/09

We all waited, seated in a classroom for our letters to be called.
I was at some kind of work or training camp in the mountains.
Once my letter was announced I went outside and stood in line with other people waiting
to slide down a ground-level slide made of polished oak that ended somewhere underground
in a cavern.

Kurt Cobain was at the front of the line waiting to go down. Men in suits then gave the okay,
and he jumped instead of sitting down. He landed and slid down the rest of the way, and everyone
laughed except for me, because it looked rather painful, but I knew that he had jumped for the sake
of the audience.

When I reached the top, I was handed some small round pegs of oak that fit into small holes at the
top of the slide, which I put in my pocket. I ended up deep underground in the cave, several yards from where the others had landed. We were all expected to stay in our places overnight, and emerge in the morning. We passed the time by
telling our stories to each other while respectively staring up at the dark rock ceiling.

When it was light out, I stood up and realized I was wearing boy's white briefs covered in soot, and boxer shorts that
kept falling down. I was embarrassed about this, and hurried to get the place where I could clean up.
After I was dressed, I walked outside toward a cliff, and standing there was a boy from the cave. I hadn't seen him,
but I knew that he had told the most compelling story about how he lived in a squat in Kentucky with a bunch of feral, and
runaway kids. His mom had to flee from the FBI, and leave him there. So he befriended a younger french kid named Tim.

He asked me to come with him, because no one really had anywhere to go.
I also wanted to go because this person contained a combination of many traits that I found fascinating.

Tim, (the french kid, grown up) landed a small airplane with an open cockpit, and we jumped in. We flew close to the side of the cliff where there were all kinds of words and pictures carved into the rock. Tim turned the engine off, and the plane started to drop like a brick. They were wearing seat belts, but I wasn't, so I held onto the blue vinyl seat as tight as I could. I was thinking that I never minded risking life and limb for a chance to learn a cluster of many things at once.
But we didn't die, we ended up in a small mexican town. I was looking for a place that served nachos. The end.

Murder Dream

All of our computers at work were broken or being used. I had to open up a file in illustrator,
fix it, and then send it to print, so I went across the street to a coffee shop to use a computer. We printed an L-word adhesive poster for their premier party, so I thought it was a homo friendly coffee place. One girl complemented me on my clothes, and I told her that her haircut was super-cute. She said "Eww" and walked away... I was like "Whatever!"
Then I worked at the coffee shop and someone had gotten murdered in the back, so we all got to go home.

I lived in a big craftsman-style house with several of my brothers and sisters, and a mexican dad who was a murderer.
He had a set of knives that where extra sharp on both ends, so they could only be held in the blunt center. Some of these knives were forked, and all varied in size. We all had to stay together in one room, because if one of us wondered off alone, he'd stalk and kill us. I saw my sister (Shane from the L-Word) get killed in the alley behind the house, I remembered there were shoes hanging from the electrical lines.

I took one of the small, long blades and put it behind my back in my belt. The knife cut my skin but I figured I'd have to get used to it. When our "Dad" was taking a nap, I got on my bike (which was spray painted black) and rode down the street to a small dock where I kept a steal 10 foot boat. I started to paddle up the LA river, when I realized that I'd forgotten my keys and phone. I went back to the house to discover that HE threw a fit when he woke up and left the house. I rode back to the boat, and he was waiting for me on the dock. He asked me where I was going and I said "to mom's house for Easter." He asked how I was getting there, and I said "the high road". He said "let me see this high road." I was trying to reason with him about the killing, while he pulled out a particularly nasty looking knife. I threw up my left arm while grabbing the knife from my belt. He stabbed my forearm, but I plunged my knife up under his ribs piercing his aorta, and said "Fuck You".
I woke up sweating!

I was living in a house, it was morning-noon-ish, and I was shuffling around a kitchen. My joints were stiff. My boss came into the kitchen and poured a cup of coffee. He was looking at me like he thought I was on drugs. Then _____ came in and gave me a bacon and cream cheese sandwich, along with a bowl of strawberries, bananas, and cool whip. She was over-worked, and sick, so I didn't have the heart to tell her that I don't eat bacon, or bananas. _____ and some guy came over, and were hanging out with _____. Then we were going to smoke a cigarette, so I walked down the street to a strip mall where we usually smoke, and they weren't there. The people at the coffee shop were staring at me as if I was a leper. I walked back up the street, and it was extremely painful, because of my stiff joints.
Then I was driving my Nana's gold Buick to the store. She wanted to go to a diner, she was drunk and demanding, and EXTREMELY annoying. We got to the diner, and I had like 25 cousins. They varied from white to black, and were all female. Most of them were cool, and I remember trying to find one that wasn't my first cousin to possibly date. My Nana was cheating on her husband with my Papa, they were both drunk and went into the bathroom to have sex. One of my cousins and I agreed to get the keys to the car away from my Nana and take off. We did and when we got back to the house where we all apparently lived, all of these crazy rednecks from Indiana where there, all distant relatives. I lived in a room in the garage. There was water dripping down through the roof from the swamp cooler, and black and green smoke coming from somewhere. I pointed this out to a man wearing a red ball cap, who started arguing with me concerning gays being child molesters. I went into my room and
grabbed one sketch book to save, and left with my cousin to go back to my Dad's house... What a stupid dream.

1208

your day is showing itself behind
many obstinate hours covered in events
passing over metal eyes
and
as many nights not taken,
and opportunities missed
for you
to come out of the cold,
the stars still collect, prickling silver
in the center of me.

For a romantic something made possible by the correct mind and heart,
I would risk my life,
and do presently, while falling
over
and
over
and
over.

ex-pats

When she was rude, she had no memory.
No bound ties by blood or through fellowship,
stolen journal locked with her behind a heavy wooden door,
with only a fuzzy transmission of muffled manipulations going on.
She left her friends outside waiting, and wading through
used things, clothes, books, lanterns, and dust.
They started to leave one by one,
back to their parts of any town, usa,
in spite of the consequences of her wrath...

They won't forget the thrown eggs, the force of the fire hose,
or the snowballs with rocks in the center.

none

Buy and Buy at the country club...
Closed times and separate kin,
cannot keep a human angel under the glass.

An insulated life can purchase the best matching shirts in town,
but off the green, those suits will be solicited many times
for change.

White right got you down? Escape to dumpy plump,
childless, all-you-can-eat, floating barge of smooth
garbage.

posty post toast boast?

Less like a rejecting mentor, and less like
a gatekeeper in dreams that give sadness...
Now a peer experiencing old music over and
over, wrapped up madness, safely burrowed
in the young ones.
Equal to all humans on the surface,
Changing shape when glanced away from.
Will they take care before you go?
Will they bathe you with respect?
Perhaps you're the smartest in the room.

Gives me chills. I'm not in the club.
loner... his secret, magic word to get into ICU
was "less"

um... no.

few, and some remarkable... well some, anyway.

A hot, curvy, and treacherous road, all down-hill.
Look over the railing into a salty fall-out... easily scared,
I'd steal an airplane, rather than be stuck in
a place with no light at the end of the tunnel,
and no one on my side.
What more could you tell about an all-girl's club?
Looking though a window... friends not included.
Cover it up in a joking whisper,
I saw you coming a mile away, black to the wind,
high contrast and capricious
in spite of yourself.

old post, but post nonetheless.

I can draw a contour line around the world of men
but it is just an outline.
Words, rib pokes, stories, jokes, and lies
enigmatic until the end.
I would like to think of myself as
ambiguous and innately human
without the learned symptoms of gender,
but who am I fooling? You're just lazy.

Gladiatoria

Don't we look fabulous in our armor tonight!

scent as a companion

The wooden capsule drifts on the
horizon- relaxing in memories now.
Let go, and remember your brothers.
Though the chill sea airs comes the scent of
tropical sweat, warm and alive with playful exertion.
Volcanic rock lends it's dust to thin running sandals
carrying small adventures for their own sake.
There can be time for thoughts like
these in the passage between sleep and survival.
Hands and fingers rough from rope, sea water
and coconuts- warm now to the soft ceramic
surrounding this evening's coffee, and remember what it is like to
touch another's skin.

Panoramic view on the sea
In the direction of the diminishing brightness of burnt orange and pink,
Your red bellows curve to catch the air fresh with brine
to dry the wet wool socks clipped to the line,
and propel your wunderkrammer forward.
Cross-legged in your cabin, leather fingers softly clamping
a cigarette- smoke rising,
the last of the warm colors of today pass over the skin of your
eyelids, and the mystery of night's bright black stars pull at your heels.

quit or got fired

She almost called you to talk about the dead cat.
Your crazy memory seems to have dwindled significantly
but we know it would be a mistake, we know it would be disappointing.
All the cool blue afternoons could not take on anything other than
a sour pall or malaise, and the boredom killed
with such a dull slowness.

For my last.

I would swim in a warm tropical ocean
while the dangerous fish were away.
My eyes open under water
the curious observing the curious.
The sun would warm my skin and I would
never become fatigued.
When the time came I would float on my back to shore
I would then devour a corned beef sandwich and potato chips.
All this after an exciting hot-air balloon ride
unaffected by vertigo. Where I even dangled my feet off the edge
in the late summer air.

The best summer, or when people stepped out onto the scene.

It was like I had been indoors too long
at the bottom of a well.
The Sun choked me, hit me in the chest
and on occasion, warmed me from the inside
Days of excruciating beauty were segmented with
random bouts of panic
Ending with a silent scream in the corner
of a shady room.
The leaves then, did start to fall.
And I witnessed the world from a balloon
sometimes from space
I told her I was flags blowing around in the wind
and that she was a flame thrower
She would burn me up, given half a chance.
I was sick, but not terminal
and I saw everything in color starting
then, in the summer.

Two months ago.

A phenomenon of lighted colors- green and gold
your face in the hallway, the surrounding atmosphere
was black, Darkened by you
so that your face would be the only sight.
It worked so well, I want to tell you.